Mammalian Protuberances 101

I’m home from work early today because my sister’s husband passed away early this morning. She’s an emotional wreck in need of an unflappable sort such as myself.

I saw the following Citizens’ Voice story this morning, and it immediately made me wonder about the priorities of the parental units involved.

Fifth-grader suspended for wearing 'I (Heart) Boobies' bracelet

Carolyn Branch pulled into her doctor's parking lot last Wednesday afternoon when an unexpected voicemail came from the Kistler Elementary School in Wilkes-Barre: Her granddaughter Krystina had just received a one-day out-of-school suspension.

The crime: Wearing one of the $4 "I (Heart) Boobies" rubber bracelets that supports breast cancer awareness, even after being told to take the band off.

"I could not believe they were suspending her," Branch said. "What's so lewd about breast cancer?"

Anyway, this afternoon I turned on my radio to take in the WILK top of the hour news, but with everything that’s gone on so far today, my attention quickly wandered off to somewhere else. But at some point, I realized that that irritating background noise was Steve Corbett’s talk show, the radio equivalent of titanium-reinforced fingernails being dragged across a blackboard.

Much to my surprise and later dismay, there was this very spirited debate about the “I Heart Boobies” story going on. Raising awareness. Free speech rights. Pink ribbons. A.C.L.U. boobs. All of that sort of stuff.

This is a quote from the host of the show: “This (breast cancer) is something our children should be made aware of.”

A supportive caller had this to say: “It’s a child making a statement.”

Huh? Seriously?

Gee, I sure hate to rain on your implant parade, but when my kids were in the 5th grade, I hounded and pounded them over subjects such as reading, writing, arithmetic, geography and the already frowned upon American History since 1865. Call me weird if you will, but I wanted my kids to grow up to be reasoned, smart and very, very literate.

But, raising awareness? Little kids? What? After recess or during? After the cucumber and the condom demonstration? What's so lewd about actual educating now, and the self-important activism bit later?

Uh, yeah. Maybe when you grow up and actually demonstrate that you know what you’re going on about on most days. Then you can rumble thee forth and bore others with what you find to be so vitally important. Learn now. Pretend you’re learned later on.

And boobies? My girls knew all that they needed to know about boobies at that age: they should remain covered in their entirety.

Sorry, but all things boobies, Mammalian Protuberances 101 need not be a part of the curriculum at the local elementary school.

Instead, try the Three Rs that were obviously lost upon Generation Text, as well as Generation Sext. I really hate to break it to you, but too many of our young people are functionally illiterate.

Later