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Friday, July 3, 2009


Three day weekend, baby. I’m happier than a welfare recipient drinking beer for breakfast.

Independence day in Amerika (formerly America)!!! Whoop it up!

Beer for breakfast, eh. I’m giving myself some good ideas here. Beer for breakfast, illegal fireworks by lunch and the overcrowded emergency room by suppertime. Ah, I don’t care what those snooping safety interlopers have to say about much of anything. Having ten fingers is probably seriously overrated.

From the reader’s comments:

kayak Dude said...

Dear Mark:

I did not utter a curse word. I was simply pointing out one of the multiple objects I saw floating by the side of my kayak. I believe I may have dry-heaved at the end of one of my utterances. My future campaign advisor told me to write this.

Dude, this is Politics 101 going on here. Don’t make the mistake of having the cover-up generating more of a controversy than the original offense. Simply admit to your horrible impropriety and move on. Cool it with the foolhardy finger-wagging: “I did not have sex with that tree.”

And personally, I am greatly offended by the utterances of foul language in my presence. Fother-mucking offended, I say. Fargin’ ice hole!

Although, Congressman Dude does has a ring to it, doesn’t it? Methinks you’d make a good legislator. Methinks you would be to passing solid, common sense legislation what Nancy Pelosi is to sticking pins through voodoo dolls. Methinks you would be to passing solid, common sense legislation what Harry Reid is to being embarrassingly bereft of depth. Methinks you would be to passing solid, common sense legislation what Barack Oblahblah is to sounding like he actually knows what he’s going on and on and on about. Methinks you would be to passing solid, common sense legislation what Barney Frank is to sucking…

Hey! If you do run for national office and pull off the big upset, can I be your press secretary? C’mon, man. I’d be good at it. They (Anne & Carol) tell me I have a knack for this stuff. Unbeknownst to me throughout almost the entirety of my tortured life, they also tell me I came from a long line of published writers, as well as a blue-freckled (Yep, blue freckles) Hollywood moviemaker. And since I once slept through a public speaking class in college, I’ve even got credentials. I’d likely win you plenty of friends, as well as legions of devoted fans. Maybe even a few million votes.

From the office of one Congressman Dude…

On the reckless Spender-in-chief:

“It‘s time to hit the panic button, kiddies. We’ve got a smooth-talking charlatan, a clueless wonder sitting atop an equally clueless filibuster-proof majority.”

On trillion dollar deficits:

“We’re spending our grandchildren’s futures away? Oh, come on! They would have blown it all on fake boobies and ugly tattoos anyway.”

On racial disharmony:

“Since when is it illegal to dislike anyone? What? If I choose not to hang out with you or yours, I’m somehow guilty as charged by you and yours?”

On political correctness:

“Do not judge others, or you will be judged very, very harshly.”

On Al Franken:

“Great! Now we’ve got an unqualified, mean-spirited and vitriolic partisan
lunatic in the senate. He‘ll fit right in.”

On baseball:

“Which of the following teams suck the least: The Philthydumpia Phillies, the New York Mets, the Florida Marlins, or the Atlanta Braves?”

On men:

“Men have it down to a science. They huff, they puff, they punch each other in the face and then they go drinking. Perfection in motion.”

On women:

“You meant chicks, right?”

On renewable energies:

“Wean ourselves off of oil? Which easily-led jackass said that? Wean ourselves off of oil? And replace it with what, pickled beet juice? Rendered pork fat? Processed urine?”

On the fast-sinking mood of the voters:

“If the previous presidential election was an overreaction to the eight years of Bush, as I have said; then the coming mid-term election will result in a necessary correction of that overreaction. If Bush was indeed the evil incarnate the opposition made him out to be, he still stands head and shoulders above this smug pretender.”

On welfare reform:

“Sit home, drink beer and play X-box? Where do I sign up, at the local democrat party headquarters?”

On national health care:

“The Fedrule Govmint is going to do for Americans what Americans ought to be doing for themselves? Open warm mouth, insert enormous teat. The end is near.”

On gay rights:

“I shudder to use “gay” and “right” in the same sentence.”

On abortion:

“Women should have the right to do as they see fit with their bodies. Besides, everybody’s doing it these days. Murder, that is.”

On foreign policy:

“What good is having a big stick if you’re afraid to swing the damn thing? Swing batter, swing!”

On Canada:

“Fu>k Canada.”

On France:

“Fu>k them, too.”

On Islamic terrorism:

“Nuke Mecca.”

On pop culture:

“Nuke Hollywood.”

On the Sargasso Sea:

“Um, I ain’t previously heard of that one. But why take a chance? Nuke it.”

Dude, future congressman, future leader of men, consider that my impromptu resume.

After listening to the hysterical ranting and raving about pit bulls for three straight days on Steve Corbett’s WILK daily shout fest, I’m at the point where I want to bite the first dog I come across. And repeatedly so!

I’m not going to reprint any of this malarkey. If you’re interested, go and read it for yourself.

City wants to stop the dog attacks

Plural? Dog attacks? That's totally irresponsible. Sensationalism at it's worst.


First of all, the killing of Fluffy was an isolated incident, and one incident does not make a trend, or a full-blown canine-driven crime wave. Although, there is certainly no shortage of irresponsible dog owners living within this city, or any other city for that matter. Sadly, the unfortunate incident in question could be repeated as early as today.

As an avid bicyclist, I’d had more than my fair share of run-ins with loose dogs, including those ugly, little devils…pit bulls. As a matter of fact, I once wrote about a pit bull that attacked my now deceased dog, Bandit, while Bandit and I were out for an early evening walk in search of a six-pack. Being a disgraced former Boy Scout, I’m always prepared. So while Bandit got chewed on just a tad, the pit bull fared much, much worse. I handled it. No need for no police, no need for no press, and no need for Steve Corbett using the incident as yet another weak excuse to go after Mayor Tom Leighton all over again.

Admittedly, I’m younger than some, and in much better physical shape than most people my age. I don’t feel nearly as vulnerable or defenseless as some do. So I do not intend to mock anyone who feels vulnerable, or who may chose to engage the police when potentially dangerous dogs are running loose in our neighborhoods. If it were my call to make, I’d have my police officers shooting practically every loose dog they encountered.

What? That was your pet we just shot? Bummer, dude. You should have complied with the leash laws, now shouldn‘t you have?

The thing is, just because you want to own animals, that doesn’t mean they should become my problem. Not even for a second. Not even once. Put up a fence, buy a strong leash, comply with the laws and ordinances on the books, or don’t go crying to the cops when I skewer your dog with my scuba knife. In an urban environment such as this one, with everybody practically rubbing elbows, the entire program suffers when the residents mistakenly think they can pick and choose between the laws and ordinances on the books. Put simply, everyone has got to get with the program.

When we still had the trailer park escapees living down on the corner, they repeatedly allowed their two rotweillers (spelling) to run loose, which resulted in many close calls for too many of the residents of this street.

So one day I approached the tattooed and pierced tough guy in the muscle shirt and told him that the next time those two dogs made it as far as my front porch again, I would kill them. No cops. No press. No Steve Corbett using a dog attack as part of his bigger anti-Leighton agenda. Nope. See dog, kill dog. Simple. And as Allah only knows, I like simplicity.

So the tough guy reacted by telling me he’d call the cops if I dared to go after his dogs. And how convoluted was that? Laughing at him, I asked him what he thought the cops would do if they arrived on scene and found snarling dogs that outweighed them running loose? Um, they’d more than likely shoot the bastards, you dummy! Think things through, dunce! And have all of that needless and garish-looking accessorizing removed from your body. You look like one of those tented circus freaks I saw as a sprat of eight back in Stratford, Connecticut.

Getting back to Mr. Negativity himself, Corbett not-so-slyly hinted to his dimwitted listeners that perhaps both River Common and Kirby Park were not the places to be on the 4th of July with hordes of dangerous pit bulls running loose all over Wilkes-Barre. To listen to him tell it, perhaps that event is not properly secured from the wild dogs marauding through the streets. Perhaps we’d be putting our children’s lives in jeopardy by venturing anywhere near all of that.

And then it happened. Then some panicked-sounding woman called in and claimed she was not going to the fireworks display while all of these dogs are “being allowed” to run free. Mission accomplished, Steve. Great job. You managed to tarnish what will be a family-friendly event. You managed to taint Wilkes-Barre’s image all over again. You got in one more deliberate and totally unfair swipe at Tom Leighton. And on talk radio no less. Great work, Steve. You are a true tactician when Wilkes-Barre needs no more piling on.

Stupidly, Corbett asked why there was no comment from the mayor at that point. He also asked the same of our city council folk. And he even went on to ask why there was no official comment from the Chamber of Commerce. I fail to see what role Todd Vonderheid has in any animal enforcement issues, so I’m left to assume that Corbett is an equal opportunity defamer of anyone he feels like defaming at any given time. Why didn’t Larry Newman subdue those dogs with his bare hands?

The Chamber of Commerce? What the fu>k is wrong with that guy? There’s no need to speculate as he has so clearly done for the past couple of days. But still, what the fu>k is wrong with that guy? Okay, I’ll speculate. One too many chromosomes? Seriously, I honestly thought he was going to up and demand that Tom Leighton get on the blower to Harrisburg and beg Governor Ed Rendell to mobilize the Pennsylvania National Guard.

And all over a couple of loose dogs.

I missed the original call, but I did listen in on the scanner as the police were trying to track the two offending pit bulls. Now, I don’t know too many people who are capable of chasing down, tackling and collaring pit bulls that don’t want to be caught, and in traffic no less. But apparently Steve Corbett thinks we’ve all had this sort of training down here in Wilkes-Barre, since he kept asking why nothing was done about these pit bulls. But if that person with those specialized skills does in fact live among us, I want to meet him and gently stroke his red cape. And I want my picture taken with his main squeeze, Lois Lane. Hubba, freakin’ hubba.

As for one of Steve’s many questions (since he so frequently goes on the air without doing what could only be called necessary homework), yes, Wilkes-Barre does have an animal enforcement officer. That officer works the dayshift, and I’m not exactly sure if he is on call during the other hours of the day. But being that overtime is correctly and necessarily avoided like the bubonic plague in this city, I seriously doubt it.

You see, Steve, here in Wilkes-Barre, our administration does not spend recklessly for the purposes of securing votes. Here in Wilkes-Barre, unlike in your (pretend) Nirvana of a city, we don’t run up outstanding debts at dizzying rates. Here in Wilkes-Barre, we’re trying not to increase the yearly budget outlays that must be devoted to satisfying the debt service. Here in Wilkes-Barre, we’re not headed for a financial catastrophe as the folks in Scranton are. Here in Wilkes-Barre, we’re trying to practice financial responsibility.

And there’s a fine balancing act that goes on when budgetary concerns must be tweaked in the name of public safety. In a perfect world such as Scranton, we’d have ourselves six or eight animal enforcement shock troopers all working seventy hours a week. Standing around, mostly. In a perfect world like Scranton, we’d have two police officers stationed at every street corner, with a third positioned in the middle of every block.

But in that perfect urban setting, in Scranton, with politically-rewarding excessive spending comes excessive debt. And here in Wilkes-Barre, we prefer to have a future, while all that Scranton has is the present. And when that growing debt service finally puts Scranton out of it’s financial misery, your self-serving mayor will have jumped ship long before the bills came due. Count on that.

So while in your less than learned opinion it seems that Wilkes-Barre has gone to the dogs, we need no advice or supervision from a member of a city that is already in the financial doghouse, and it’s future promises plenty of financial fleas with which to deal. You see, financially speaking, Wilkes-Barre is the cute pooch to Scranton’s mangy mongrel. So keep your flea-bag nonsense to yourself, you half-breed tail-wagger.

And in keeping with Sue Henry’s dogged pursuit of our long lost language, as my dearly departed grandma used to always say to her oft-whining twenty-seven grandchildren, “Ah, kwitcherbelyacin!”

Sez me,

Markie in Nord End

From the illustrious Twanger:


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped...

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Liechtenstein. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year In Mexifornia and Floruba.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

PS--To the e-mailer who nastily said I’m too long-winded, I don’t blog, per se. I don’t cut, copy, paste and then add a paragraph of my own thoughts to the mix. I do not Google subjects so as to pretend I know everything. Good or bad, talented or not, I write.

So there!


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Its really nice and intresting ,, things
thanks for sharing with us

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