Etch 'em on stone tablets...
Abortion: If the right-wing crazies would sign-off on the abortion of the great majority of pregnancies, then they wouldn’t have to starve near as many children. Population control, yo?
Homosexuality: AIDS research aside, the hateful right refuses to admit that homosexuality is natural, healthy and preferable. Population control, get it?
National defense: Despite what the evil Neocons will tell you, the continual procurement of expensive weapons platforms are limiting the development of bigger and better entitlement programs for the able-bodied.
Stimulus II, III, IV & V: There is no quicker way of revitalizing our moribund economy than by funneling trillions of make-believe dollars to faithful Democrat core groups such as collective-bargaining units.
Faith: A strong belief in God and a definitive set of rules causes those hayseeds on the right to be too judgmental. Therefore, the 'eradication of church by state' must be enforced at every turn.
Family values: Since parents are incapable of parenting, the State shall usurp all parental responsibilities from here forth.
Regulations: According a 3rd Circuit judge, the Constitution of the United States of Amerika clearly reads that your right to freedom can be nullified in the name of behavior modification.
Green economy: If the Republicans weren’t in bed with Big Oil, we’d all be building moonlight-powered thingamabobs by now.
Free speech/political correctness: Note: It isn’t what it is, it is what we say it is as decreed by us, the easily-led.
Smoking: It is not unfair to single out one group for higher rates of taxation by the almighty confiscators of all known monies.
Health: McDonald’s is killing Amerika. Happy Meals are immoral. Now eat your bean curd and be happy. You have been warned.
Illegal drugs: Legalize all illicit drugs, and tax the dickens out of them. Unintended consequences? Like what, all of the lawsuits that will surely follow the predictable uptick in vehicular deaths? Toke up, right-winger. Dude, man, chill out.
Policing: We unequivocally support our brave police officers until the Rodney Kings of the world go off half-cocked.
Welfare reform: If we do as the Republicans demand and reform this bottomless pit, how will the poorest of Americans be able to afford the 100-inch plasma televisions from Rent-a-Center?
Politics: The political rhetoric coming from the right is harming Amerika, those mean-spirited, baby-starving, homophobes!
Civic duty: Why, NASCAR and the NFL have induced an apathetic coma to come over the populace. The distracting allegiance to sports teams or entire sporting leagues should be reduced by way of incremental mocking, unless, of course, the populace finally relents and embraces soccer.
America and it’s time-honored traditions: See civic duty.